It's Radical Love

Or "It's radical, love", depending on your mood. Buckle up. Goggles on.

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Junior Novice at the Mystery School

Junior Novice at the Mystery School

17oct 15


That moment when….

You’ve been banging on the great wooden door of the Mystery School for an age…


You’ve tried righteous indignation (Do you know who I am?!)…

You’ve tried the dripping tap (knock knock knock knock knock)…

You’ve tried angry cries for attention and pitiful wails (“It’s not fairrrrrrr!”)

You’ve tried noisy sulking (“I know you can hear me so I’m just going to sit here and wait.Still here. Still heeeeeeeerrrrrre.)”…

You’ve flicked the v’s at the new enrollers as the swan through the doors…

You’ve bargained with the doorkeepers til you’re puse in the face….


And then, finally, one day, for no particular reason, really when you were beginning to get bored of the whole drama, the door cracks open and an ancient doorkeeper beckons you in, puts on a robe on you, and sneaks you into the very back of the Mystery School hall, just inside the inner door…


In there, it is silent and peaceful and focused as the heart of God itself. The room is filled with rows of sitting souls, glowing ever more dazzling as they approximate the Great Central Sun in the far distance at the end focus point of the hall….


And you realise why they had not invited you in earlier.


Suddenly, to be the very most junior junior novice at the Mystery School is the most wonderful, glorious, blessed place to be in existence! You could sit there for an eternity! You calm your noisy heart so that it won’t give you away. Just blend in. Blend in. Blend in so they don’t notice you. Drawing attention to yourself would be your gentle ticket out. The end of your visitor pass. If you blend in, you will stay.


This condition applies to the whole day. You don’t leave there now. You get on with life on Earth, but your soul body remains seated at in the Hall. Blend in. No excitation. Just gentle breathing in. And out. Very calm. Very centred. Occasionally, sneak a peak of the grand souls up front, and breathe in their majesty….and close your eyes again…give thanks…smile…breathe.


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Iron Will

Iron Will


9.15pm Car outside house.

Dear soul, isn’t it interesting that the writings I am reading (The Light Shall Set You Free especially), are pointing to my acquisition of two important things at the moment:

  • Calmness and centredness, in my heart, so I can live, think and discern from the heart outwards.
  • A strong will, to be able to keep moving forwards in discipline and single-pointedness of action.

I am getting the calm and centred part, at last. In fact, I could lie in bed, calm and centred, all day.

It is the will that is the next step. “I need an iron will!”, I thought today. And then I remembered the words of my GP yesterday as she interpreted my blood test results:

“You blood in itself is strong. You are not anaemic. But your iron stores are just empty! We need to build up the iron in you.”

Apparently anaemia isn’t simply low iron… Who knew? Nina prescribed me a special iron complex, and I am to take one (violet!) pill at each meal.

It feels as though with each pill I will be building up my physical iron and my metaphysical iron will. I am ready. And grateful! And patient….ish.

What is your guidance for me today?

Can you be more specific? What is it you are asking?

What is the lesson to be learnt in the situation of today? (Bursary company visiting; old work colleague, MO, visiting. Going to London tomorrow to see family and drop Ana. Extremely tired. Happy that my home is sooooo much lighter and brighter after my work on it yesterday with AAU, ‘presence/light/face of God. Ty.)

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Ah, I’ll listen to Matt Kahn’s new video while I prepare for the bursary meeting; it’s on the breath. I’ve avoided breath work for…always. I don’t know why. It seemed both ‘pointless’ and ‘uncomfortable’, which I know now are indicators of something really important for my growth. 🙂 Breathing is also the antithesis of my addictions.

Help me into the house, please!

Matt Kahn, Breath of Life:

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Soul-Bathing and Poem to an AS mother

Soul-Bathing 15oct15


Now that I know that I know that I know that:

  • This world and life really is just a playground/obstacle course/boot camp for the soul’s advancement (not for the temporary personality’s advancement!)
  • A host of beings have Got My Back
  • It’s been an intense lifetime of Tests of Initiation because my soul was ready for some real and deep learning (transformation)
  • That I’ve hit the Great Turning, as it were, in both this lifetime, and in my soul’s trajectory.
  • And thus that I’m homeward bound now: it’s a returning to source, a withdrawing inward – which is why I panicked – I had become so used to expansion…and the turning and drawing inwards to source felt like a massive and somehow erroneous contraction, or backwards step, until I finally, finally (over a 7 year period of intensive final tests of initiation between me rindo in 2008, and now, 2015) quit resisting the turned tide and surrendered to the flow back to shore.
  • My soul has been working flat out on my behalf and is exhausted, poor thing!

….I can start to shine the Light of this crazy creative world back to my soul to revive it and thank it for its hard work. I feel like I want to cheer it up, make it smile, entertain it!

I remember how I used to bathe my soul in Light! Dad taught me how! He would sit next to the gramophone with Bach, Mozart or Beethoven playing, with tears in his eyes and on his cheeks. He took me to Delphi (Delphi!!!!!), to the Forum in Rome, to the Parthenon in Athens, to cathedrals and churches across Europe and Great Britain! How it must have pained him when he seemed to see me going off on my own different (lesser, weirder, foreign??) path!! Little did he know that I was continuing the path of my own soul’s discovery which he had set me firmly and defiantly on. Thank you, Dad!

So, from the age of about 20, my soul-bathing  seemed to become gradually diminished, at least the kind of Renaissance explorer soul-bathing I’d been brought up with. Life seemed to become more pinched, proscribed, barren in terms of the rich culture and travel I was used to. But the work was going on inside now, in earnest. All the external focus was now on pouring Light into our precious little girls. Also, significantly, if we imagine that I was at the farthest reaches of my explosion out of Source, it makes sense that the air felt very thin and the lands vertiginous; the Source, though remembered and never disconnected from, felt very distant. This came to its peak in the five years in Tenerife: the rarified air of El Teide; the extraordinary energy there which shatters all illusions; the bright whiteness of the sun on barren lands; the sense of distant isolation from home; the loss of all that was known, trusted and safe; the collapse of all sanity. Only dear Ana was able to be sustained peaceably in that energy, kept afloat by her knowing, detached and light-filled soul. Isma, Lucia and I, all three, the breakers, redeemers and rupturers of mountains of personal and ancestral karma, exploded like the pent up volcano we were living on. Our angel au pair, Genesis (the Beginning!) floated in to stand with Lucia Kalima (the Word!), as we three went solemnly and grimly back to Alpha, howling all the way.

What larks of the spirit and soul! Good Lord. How much we shed and burnt through.

Anyway, now…. Since 1st Sept 2015…L. is free and loving her new life as a Coder; I. has married a beautiful healing Soul and is blossoming (he’s writing his PhD!!); and I have been freed of my corporate jazz handing and my long term depression. No wonder I’m tired! And broke. But not broken. Far from it.

And AV? Precious AV. Twiddling her thumbs as we others all gasp for air. She is so ready for, and highly deserving of, environments which recognise and resonate with the unique beauty, grace and wisdom of her name and her soul. May this come soon. I am doing what I can to make this a reality for her. (Guide me, please, on how I can bring this about sooner. Thank you.)

So now. Soul bathing. Hello, dear soul! How can I make you smile and rejoice and perk up and breathe a sigh of relief?!

This writing warms me. It is so good to see you looking back and making sense of the wonders we have undertaken together. You have let the darkness of sadness and unforgiveness float away and now the beauty of the hard journey is revealed to you. And, after years on the sea, through storms and the unwillingness to navigate your own ship, you have followed your Tennysonian declaration to the letter and reached the safety of the shore.

“‘Courage’ he cried, and pointed towards the land.” (The Lotus Eaters, Tennyson)

It was no coincidence that Genesis was followed by Odyssey as the Angel in your home.

So what next? What would please you and bring you joy? I’ll leave you, or me, to think about it. I’m off to Green Ginger to get me some iron. I’ve been in the GPs today to get my test results (very low iron – no wonder I’m tired) – and she gave me a sick note for 3 months (‘Not fit for work- chronic fatigue’) just in time for Ana’s bursary application meeting tomorrow where I need to supply evidence of why I’m not able to make stacks of money. I also got my ultrasound scan appointment through today, for next Monday, to check my poor wilting gallbladder. En route to the GPs I asked AA Raphael for his healing green light, and then drove behind a huge bright-green van all the way; I went into the GPs office and there she was wearing a woollen sweater in the same unusual shade of green.


Awesome! I’m standing in the queue for the car parking ticket machine, when an elderly gentleman pulls up beside me in his car and gently gives me his ticket, saying “11 past 11. That’ll give you three quarters of an hour.” I thank him with all my heart. Sure enough, I look at the ticket and these words leap out:



Heart: pop!

Is this the end of my long 11:11 cycle? The end of the long hard Tests of Initiation since my 11:11 ‘tribulations’ and signs began, when I was about 14?

The Tests are thankfully never over, but the long training course in mastering the emotional and mental bodies is complete.

Whooooooooopppppeeeeee!!! :))))))

Archangel Nina of the Green Ginger prescribed me a special iron supplement and vit D12. I am SO looking forward to having physical energy again!! Whoop!

At Green Ginger, I bumped into R, who looked familiar… She remembered we had met at a local meeting on Asperger’s, some 4 years ago. Apparently I had been the only one to sing the praises of AS and that had stayed with her. I was so glad to hear that. Her son, J, was diagnosed with AS shortly after that meeting, and at this time is spending all of his time indoors. This has been the case for three years now. We talked about his interests and compared notes on parenting a young being who is ready and wired for a glistening, unified world and finds itself born in a crunchy old paradigm nightmare. We discussed possible routes to helping J.

After R had gone, I wished I had been more encouraging of her understanding of the incredible and perfect role she is playing in J’s life, right now and always. This is what I would like to say to her now:

Just keep loving him

Through the closed bedroom door.

Just keep admiring those glimmers of Light

When they escape

through the cracks in that door,


Just keep humming a song of praise

To yourself

To him

To the baffling unfurling of your son’s mighty wings.

Sing praises to the chrysalis

And to the butterfly manifesting within,

Knowing this:

The grander the butterfly,

The longer the cocooning.

Have full faith that your son is safe

In complete consciousness

In utter grandeur

In magnificent unfurling

…and perhaps in soul shock too.

Sing him the songs of healing and of trust.

Trust in him to find his own way out.

Show him you trust in him

to emerge perfectly and stunningly

In perfect time

In perfect formation

In perfect splendour.

See that might and majesty in him now.

This degree of soul work is only for the hardy.

His long desert sojourn bears testimony

To his soul’s stamina for search, and

He will not emerge

Until the time is ripe.

Admire his steadfastness.

And admire your own.

You, his guardian angel,

His great protector,

His champion,

His defender of the realm.

As you love him deeply

Love yourself equally,

For your son is waiting for a world

Where love is the oxygen that sustains us

Where love is the fragrance to our speech

Where love is the currency with which we exchange energy.

With you

And your son

Rising up

Standing strong

That world will not be long in coming now.


(PS. Don’t doubt the young man’s inclination to keep a low profile while this present chaos sorts itself out. His strength and valour will be needed in good time for creating a new society…

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I have the power to raise my frequency

I have the power to raise my frequency 14oct15

Last night, after my long plea for WILL, I eventually forced myself to sleep with the following words on repeat in my head: I HAVE THE POWER. At 4am, I woke with the end of the sentence clear to me: …TO RAISE MY FREQUENCY. By this was and is meant, my bodily frequency, my energy levels, my bodymind vibration, my vitality.

I’m not yet sure how, other than keeping in some way constantly moving in my body. Not doing stuff so much as churning gentle movement through myself.

I guess it must be about the flow of QI.

For the last 6 weeks, no, for the last year, no for the last decade, I have lived with physical exhaustion, chronic fatigue. I can plot it back to when IV left and I started teaching, back in 2005. The beginning of an endless cycle of PUSH, COLLAPSE, SLEEP. These last 6 few weeks for example, while I’ve been not working (due to the sense my body was on the brink of collapse or serious illness), I have struggled to stay out of bed. I am be in bed, awake/reading/dozing for an average of about 6 hours a day. But then night comes and I am loathe to turn my light off and go into the darkness and turmoil of nighttime sleep. It’s a cycle of low energy that has been embedded by two and a half decades of uncertainty, fear (terror often), jazz-handing and poor diet/exercise patterns.



Why? Because I can’t progress spiritually, emotionally, relationally or economically with a body that only has two gears: first and sixth. Sleep and sprint. Trudge and turbo. Crawl and canter. Hide and hasten. Freeze and flee.

I sense this has to happen in a mindful way but not a mind-led way. In other words, I must led my body not my reason do the leading.

I might ask my body, ‘What energizes and heals you?’

I might ask my mind, ‘What do you need in order to stop pressing the freeze button on my body?’

Body: What energises and heals me? Gentle, simple, sustained movement in nature. Bike. Walk. Qigong. Boating.

Boating? When did we last do that?

Body: Exactly. Ditto hiking, climbing, cycling… You think classes in a hall satisfy me. They don’t. I need bright air, sunlight, leaves, earth, birds. I need wilderness and vastness. I need time and space.

Thank you, dear body. Heard and understood. Well, at least heard and noted. What about food?

Body: Living and sun-filled and rainbow coloured. NO PAIN. No energetic residue of suffering, please. Please. There is too much sadness in the world without eating and drinking it too. I need to consume Light to be light.

Thank you. Mind, you have heard Body, and I can hear you doing two things already:

  • Trying to impose rules and regimes which will be self-defeating as we know
  • Quibbling, reasoning, protesting, making excuses, defying, claiming priority for your own ‘work’.

Dear Mind, ‘What do you need in order to stop pressing the freeze button on my body?’

Mind: Security. I don’t trust you. You waste time ‘exercising’ or trinketing around with nature without a sense of purpose or outcome.  Don’t you see we have no money or work or security?

Your fear is both founded and irritating. I need you to work with me. I’m too tired and fatigued to work. We’ve got to collaborate on this vitalisation project. In fact, I need you to lead it. You have to be the one to take the role of chief Sherpa and guide. Can you do that for me?

Mind: Well then you’d better get dressed and ready for the day. It’s nearly school run time. Tracksuit and trainers, please.

Sure. Thank you, Coach.

Mind: Don’t be smarmy. This is not a game to me.

Got it.

Mind: Though I will coach you. It’s just you are neither a soccer player nor a cheerleader. You are a spiritual warrior.

[Shower and drop A. at school. Talk to a friend/mum. Drive to Charlcombe Chapel.]

Get out. Get out. Of the car. Go and sit in the chapel garden to write.

Here we are. It’s so beautiful. Behind me the church that Jane Austen loved, a sunlit bench…

…Overlooking the Holy Well.

With birdsong all around me and squirrels busying by.

It’s good to sit in the Light, isn’t it?


Rest awhile.

I am your inner intelligence.

I exist in the eternal stillness within you.

Who knows? I know.

I know the Answer to every Question you would ask, if only you would ask, and if only you would stay to listen.

How shall I find peace and vitality simultaneously?

Go inside. Keep quiet. Keep listening.

Keep listening.


Of your desire for the world to give you that which only Spirit can provide.

Of your attachments to success in this world.

Of your insane insistence upon searching for the Light in enclosed spaces, in locked rooms, when the Light exists all arond you if only you would step to the doorway, unlock the door with the key in your hand and step out into the Light.

The bodhisatva steps outside.

The bodhisatva steps outside.

The bodhisatva steps outside.

Where it is cold and fresh and alive.

Step outside, little one.


Follow the crack of Light beckoning you to the doorway. Keep following it. Notice when you ‘lose the scent’ or see only darkness before you, then stop, look around you, find the beckoning Light again, and walk towards it. Where is the Light for you right now?

In the Holy Well. In the church behind me.

Then visit them, asking they send you on to the next flash of Light. Tell them you are a Light Seeker. They will point you in the right direction. Just keep following the Light til you reach the dawn.

[A dog bounds into the secluded garden, followed by its owner and another dog. I jump with surprise and greet them as they pass by me. The spell of the moment is broken, in perfect timing. I get up to visit the well and church.]

Beautiful violet flowers in the garden:

[I go to the church and for maybe the first time ever, find the door locked. I look at the notice board for my promised onward sign. Only one notice seems to stand out. A course beginning today, directly after and round the corner from my evening qigong class. It is the last course I would have chosen for myself. My heart sinks slightly. But knowing I have to trust this process, I take a photo and allow myself to decide later.]

It is ‘cracks of Light in the doorway’ we are seeking, not full blown reunion with the great central sun…

Follow the breadcrumbs, Gretel.

Ok. Thank you. What next?

Breakfast! Google: Best Breakfast in Bath.

🙂 Ok. I’ll have to move the car to where there’s wifi. Wait, there’s my homemade juice…

++ You drank organic, fresh juice.

++ You meditated in a holy place.

[I drive up to the Hare and Hounds to catch some 3G. Google: Wild Cafe serves the best breakfast. Never been there.]

Why don’t I just have breakfast here and the H&H? I’m here now. There’s parking. It’s familiar.

The Light Seeker must follow the crumbs provided, and dissuade herself against trying shortcuts. We’re after tiny shafts of divine Light on this quest, not pragmatism and familiarity. How can we lead you home if you keep ignoring the satnav? Taking the road that leads to Withering Buckweed may seem pointless to you when you think you know a more efficient route home, but we are telling you: home is not where you thought it was, and yes, the scenic route is the only route there.

Trust the SatNav. Unlike society’s beating TomTom, this one is infallible. Remember the days before motherhood and marriage, from the moment you developed independence? Remember how you followed your instincts and curiosity without even thinking about justifying or explaining adventures into strange places? That is exactly what we are now recreating, but this time with the added joy of life experience. The thing about experience is that it breeds habit and patterns, which we are now working on dissolving.

Bon appetit!

Go! Vete! A comer!

[I drive down into town and park at the Podium car park. I walk up to the street using a stairwell I’ve never used before. I’m trying to Do Things Differently, using the philosophy of insanity being defined as the repetition of old behaviours with the expectation of differing/improved results… I count some 20 white feathers on my walk up the stairs.]

Here I am at Wild Cafe. It’s lovely! The waitress is friendly. The food looks wonderful. And it’s different. Not the freaking H&H with all its sad memories and yummy mummies.

Let’s look up renunciation while we wait for your breakfast.

Wikipedia says:

“Renunciation is the act of renouncing or rejecting something as invalid, especially if it is something that the renouncer has previously enjoyed or endorsed. [Ha! How about misery? 🙂 ]

In religion, renunciation often indicates an abandonment of pursuit of material comforts, in the interests of achieving spiritual enlightenment. In Hinduism, the renounced order of life is sannyāsa; in Buddhism, the Pali word for “renunciation” is nekkhamma, conveying more specifically “giving up the world and leading a holy life” or “freedom from lust, craving and desires.”[1] See Sangha, Bhikshu, Bhikshuni, Shramana.”

Wikipedia on nekkhamma (renunciation), quotes the Buddha:

“Whatever a monk keeps pursuing with his thinking & pondering, that becomes the inclination of his awareness. If a monk keeps pursuing thinking imbued with renunciation, abandoning thinking imbued with sensuality, his mind is bent by that thinking imbued with renunciation.” (See citation)

There is a lot to absorb, isn’t there?

What’s the next crack of Light in the doorway? I feel old habits and impulses pushing in… “Must work. Emails to answer” Ergh. Where’s the next crumb?

Look around you. Observe Wild Cafe.

In this cafe I see flowers, leaves, wood, a log, pheasant feathers, a map of Mexico (with 3 Spanish speakers sitting at the table beneath it), two framed pictures one stating Evening Star and the other Morning Sun, three Scandinavians are sitting along from me at this long dining table.

The world of nature and travel erupts around you! A world to be observed and marvelled at; a world too big to be grabbed, mastered or dominated. What a relief, no? Had you forgotten it was all OUT there, beyond your closed, dark room?

Yes. I’d denied myself access to it, occupying myself with the cares (and delights) of housekeeping, earning money and hustling… My world became very, very small.

You just forgot!

I became very attached to the small world I had, and to controlling it. 😦 I’m ready to let that go and start again. Not that there’s much to let go – materially.

Let’s explore our world!

Agh! I KNEW you’d say this!! I have a job application to write today!

Go and get your computer and charger, and we’ll do it out on the hoof. Go, gadget! Home, James!

Man alive…! Hey, I guess this is more fun than when I’m in charge… Which usually involves me falling into bed. Ok. Waterstones en route?

Heck yes!

I love you. xxx


I went to Waterstones, and there I bumped into my friend C. who worked there for many years. She told me about her proofreading business website and how she is posting her Waterstones reviews there as a Waterstones affiliate (she gets a % on sales made through clickthroughs on the links she posts to books sold at Waterstones), and also looking forward to building links with publishers for her proof-reading/editing business, by reviewing their books. We talked about Twitter too and generally stirring up business. I mentioned I was writing and she said I should put it on blog. It was an affirming meeting about books and writing and publishing. C is a great soul and I always feel inspired after seeing her.

I went into Cath Kidston looking for pyjamas. £75. No way. Was I wasting my time??? Feast your eyes! I heard you say. Nothing is wasted! Feast your eyes!

Next, I jumped in the car and, on the way home, thought about financial planning. On a whim, I dove into a suburban high street accountant to ask about their rates. There were a couple of local tradesmen in there, getting their figures in and asking straightforward questions about book-keeping, which weren’t answered by jazz-handing but by basic, helpful accounting logic. As I waited to be seen by the lead accountant, I asked you, What do we think? At that moment I glanced down and saw a box with the lettering: Forever. Smile.

The accountant came in (stopping on the way to receive a hug from one of his burly clients): his name is Mike. Michael!! AAM. I explained the tax/DLA problem and our desperate need for a strategic solution for me and M. He got it all in the 15 minutes he had available and sent me off to bring back P&L figures for Jan and now. He’ll advise me and Matt together within the next few days.  I am able to share my personal anxiety and net worth – and he gets it. It’s no big deal. I reckon he sees struggling window cleaners and builders every day. Unlike other accountants, he deals with reality and isn’t there to make a buck by spinning. I nearly cried.

Back in the car, Christine the accountant has delivered all the figures in and asked us to cancel our standing order as we are ahead of ourselves with payments for the year. I feel I can step away from her without bad blood.

Thank you.

Btw, I left my lights on, so stalled along the main road, where I’m now sitting waiting for the battery to regain its composure…

Home, James. And it’s only 1pm!

Went home. I had been going to ask you for dispensation to work at home for a while, but to be frank…the whole area where we live brought me down as I drove home (aggressive drivers; heavy atmosphere.) And then, the house… So heavy, sticky and depressing!! No wonder I only want to sleep in it!  I grabbed my computer and fled. We’re going to need to do something about that….

At Boathouse pub by the woodburner. Job application at hand. Any advice.

Be true. To you.


Okaaaaaay! Soooo, I called about the job, flagging I’d have an application in today by EOD, if that was ok. The kind administrator pointed out the closing date is the 19th. Yep! “Next Monday.” Ahhhh! Of course. Today is the 14th. The haste is off.

So. What’s the new order of ceremonies? Where’s the next crack of Light?

Relax. Slow down. You’re itchy and uncomfortable.

It’s noisy. Lovely couple of real old West Country gents behind me, talking about the old times. “Her Dad married his Mum, do you remember?” Real West Country.

Admin crunching in. Accountants. Texts. Ergh.


We’ve brought you here to work on your book.

Really?? Here?



I didn’t do that.

I did sort out accountant papers (miracle) and phone Matt.

I did walk by the river for ten mins.

I did collect Ana.

I did collapse into bed at 4.30pm (yay! 8.5 hours without lying down. Woo.)

I read Journey of Souls, Michael Newton.

I decided to ditch qigong and Christian teachings meeting.

I have questions.

  • Is it my SOUL which is weary???? More so than my body, I mean. Weary of ‘my’ darkness and insistent rootling  around in the darkness for so long?? Across lifetimes perhaps. Or is it exhausted from so much growth and development this year, either from my learning or from the ascension shift? In other words….could it be that my soul is NOT just sitting there beatifically, sagely watching me learn, like a jolly fond Father Christmas.

Your soul has been working very hard on your behalf and on behalf of its soul group.

Ok! That makes sense. How can I cheer it up? Revitalise it? I finally get that this life is all a cabaret, my friend…so why don’t I use my energy and clever physical body to shine some love and life up to my restless soul??!

Please do.


Feel your way towards the cracks in the doorway, joyfully, in celebration, feasting your eyes and thanking the path.

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Calling on You for WILL

Calling on You for WILL 13oct15


What is the point of my privacy, secrecy and two-faced life?

What is the point of my isolation? Why do I do it to myself? Why do I carry on with people as if nothing is happening? Why don’t I seek out people with whom I could share and discuss any of this? To what purpose do I pretend to live as though I didn’t know this was happening?

Why can’t I see you or hear you with my exterior ears?

Why am I lying in bed (for six weeks now!) ‘unable’ to move, act, disseminate, fulfil, progress in the outside world. I have no money (yet I sense you looking after things while I ‘rest’)… Or work or direction. Just this writing, flowing into me like heavenly elixir, and nowhere to put it yet in my heart and onpaper.

I try to publish online. I’m mysteriously locked out of my blog.

I sit down at the laptop. It’s out of battery and the cable is hidden behind a mountain of furniture.

I try to prepare a submission to publishers, but my eloquence, faith and valour fails me time after time. I find myself doubting that I can even write a pitch piece let alone send it.

Why? Why am I wasting time?

Time cannot be wasted.

Then what’s going on? Please.

You are preparing the path for your own destiny.

It’s an entirely internal process and I worry that the ongoing interior experience, with no contact with the outside world, is going to render me insane. I worry I’ll lose my nerve and keep rehashing and off-putting. Like Dad. Whom I admit, ashamedly, I judged.

Everything I judge, I enact. Everything. When will I have caught up and role-played out, like a possessed self-destroying puppet, the so-called sins I previously pointed at?

Next door to my bedroom, Lucia opens the bathroom door to talk to Ana who has just had a shower:

Ana: ‘Cia, you’re letting the cold in.

Lucia: No, I’m letting the heat out. There is no such thing as cold. Only lack of heat.

All my heat has gone. I let it all out. All my energy, fire, confidence, chutzpah. I don’t regret it. There was a lot of ‘hot air’ in my heat. But how on earth do I rekindle the cold embers, shake off the chronic fatigue of my bodymind and start afresh, moving, moving, moving – but this time, towards the Light, instead of in defiance of it, or despite it, or laden with five o’clock shadow?

I actually don’t feel I have a friendship in the world. I really don’t. I have beautiful family and some amazing, stunning friends. But I keep my truth from them all. I put on a face.

I am lonely in my silent retreat. Please God. Help me move forwards from here, guided by divine light, free of old stories, ready to tell and hear new ones. Help me. Please.

Thank you for your honesty. You had withheld it from Me. Thank you for sincerity. It is pleasing to Me. Thank you for your yearning. It is as a summons of angelic hosts.

What is the current or next step, or test? What is going on. Please tell me.

You are being prepared for action.

By whom?

Your own soul.

I see. What can I do to hasten proceedings?

Go inside. Pray harder. Pray longer. Demand attention.

Will I not go mad?

Find out.


I took a trip to heaven and met with my family members in a large circle. They all put me in the middle of the circle and gave me and mantle and a hat/crown. I felt embarrassed so everyone put on the same. It was a party atmosphere with me as the birthday girl.

Then I passed by my relatives and received their gifts, some of which were simply the gifts of release from old burdens.

My paternal grandfather took my frustration from me, in a small pouch, as if for safe-keeping.

My maternal grandmother took my doubt, likewise.

My grandmothers took my addictions.

My aunt, L, gave me her healing and all her unspent gifts which she too hid from this world.

My mother, bless her beautiful heart, gave me the gift of creativity and confidence. I gave her the gift of her granddaughters I return.

My uncle, A, whom I thanked for his generous inheritance of 8 years ago (now all spent), gave me the gift of financial management. He was an accountant.

Then I rose upwards towards God, and raised up my heart as a gift for Him. He said, Behold, three times. And trumpets played and angels gathered. Then I offered up all I had, all that was ‘mine to give’ – my hopes, dreams, talents, stories, failures, secrets, possessions – and we cremated them in the violet flame of St Germain.

Then I thought about dear, ancient Cousin R and prayed for him.

Then I can back down, saying farewell to my family as I passed.

And here I am.

Did I go mad? You decide.

What next?

Read your book.

(The Afterlife of Billy Fingers – so beautiful and enriching. I relate to the author, Annie Kagan, in her authorial bafflement and her tender, acute sensitivity to the outside world while doing her ‘cosmic detective’ work.)


Speechless. Sublime. There is so much to look forward to after this long life. And so much meaning in the present day. Bless you Annie and Billy for this glimpse at the heaven that is to come, born of the present darkness we are briefly held in. Were I not so greedy for my beautiful daughters, I would flee there now.

Please God, let this video be my mantra:


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Energy Rising

Waking, physically exhausted, yet waking. The lower mind reaches out for narrative. Late night, task to do, heart breaks to reignite again. The higher mind steps in.

Let’s get this energy rising, from wherever it is now.


Breath by breath. Idea by idea.’

The energy state finds its starting point without comment or judgement. It’s wherever it is. Now, move upwards, by one millimetre. And then another. Always in the moment. It’s not by reasoning. It’s in the bodymind. A spiralling upwards on an infinite path, where speed of progress or distance attained is completely irrelevant. It is simply the ‘reaching for a better feeling thought’ (Abraham-Hicks). Or even, ‘reaching for a better feeling feeling.’

Wordlessness is permitted.

Words arrive carefully and consciously from an unseen well of gentle affirmation.



‘It’s ok’

‘All good’

‘Going up’

It’s is a game of snakes and ladders. Just keep moving upwards. The bodymind holds the dice and has full permission to cheat the dice in order to skip the snakes. In fact….that is the game.

Skipping the snake boxes is the game. Just stepping over them. All day.

The snakes represent: the stories, the emotions which cause tumbling, the leaps into past and future.

The ladders represent: moments of great clarity, where the All Is glimpsed even for a second; moments of gratitude, wonder, smiling from the inside out.

The traveller on the board is welcome to seek out ladders all day.

In fact, that is the game. Seeking out ladders is the game.


I found a ladder! Having a shower. It raises my energy state. Always.

So a ladder raises the energy state; it is a thought, action or experience which makes the person ‘feel good’ or ‘feel better, even if only by a fraction.’ It starts or catalyses the upwards spiral.

While a snake is a thought, action or experience which drags down the energy state. It lowers the frequency of the bodymind, even if only by a fraction. It starts of catalyses the downward spiral.

Energy is always in circular motion, gaining frequency or losing frequency.

Is it fair to say that I was brought up to be a snake hunter?

It is fair to say you were brought up to believe you lived in a land of snakes and that you should ‘beware of snakes’ at all times. For this reason, your gaze was cast downwards, your awareness was on the snake, even when no snake was in sight.

Because you were taught that ladders were largely irrelevant fripperies, especially given the ever imminent threat of poisonous snakes, you never really understood that by focusing on spotting ladders and simply grasping and climbing up one at any time a snake actually did come into view, the ‘snake danger’ was really the actual irrelevance.

Is it the case that snakes and ladders often exist simultaneously within any moment and experience?

For example, passing a friend along a narrow road at the school, she flagged me down and handed me three bags of fruit and veg from her garden!! Amazing. How lovely. My simultaneous thought?: I’ve only managed to get mascara on one eye this morning. Typical that she should flag me down looking like a fool.

Incoming: ladder

Outgoing: snake


Force of habit. Let’s play Spot (and Ascend) the Ladder. You have to describe how many rungs the ladder takes you up, from 1 to 5.

Ah… Ascend the ladder. I see what you did there.

Dear friend, this really isn’t rocket science. This whole Ascension business is basically physics. It’s the ego that makes it so spectacularly convoluted that we have to reduce it to child’s play for you possibly to be able to take the leap of faith and trust in its simplicity.

Duly noted. Let’s start with films I have watched recently. ‘Feel good’ films. There’s an easy start.

  • Shaolin: 3 rungs – watching the transformation of an individual from ego vortex to bodymindspirit mastery, through the discipline of Kung Fu practice and submission to the higher self
  • Hector and the Search for Happiness: 2 rungs – watching the unfurling of an emotionally frozen mind to a fully experiencing, vividly living mind.

A question: is my historical attention on snakes, real and imagined, the reason behind my addictive leanings?

The addictive substances activate and consolidate the ego’s proposed notion that there is no natural relief from imminent threat of extinction in this world. The ego justifies bodily abuse because of its seemingly accurate analysis of the paucity of safety in the world. ‘Reach out for this magic substance of relief which the natural world can’t provide!’

A false ladder?

A false ladder. Which is a snake disguised as a ladder, because the ego knows more than anyone that the person craves relief from the fear of snakes. So it provides the ‘perfect antidote’ which actually drags the person down further and disempowered them further from seeing the incredible abundance of real ladders.

This guy just passed. He is spraying toxic weed killer on perfectly dead plants.

There is the ego’s nature: “Ooh, beware the weed! Counter dangerous Mother Nature with toxins before she does her horrible thing!!” Only…the real threat to humankind is not the weed at all! It’s the toxic weed-killer. Ha! Insane. Absolutely insane! The toxic weed-killer is the false ladder. Basically, a very large dangerous hammer to smash something beautiful and harmless which you have been persuaded to believe is a danger. And you call this ‘gardening’! Haha!!

Ok. I’m going on my walk. To spot ladders.

Actually, hey. Wait up. This is a Ladder. Sitting here with you, in my car, in the sunshine, writing about life and making sense of Things and learning and rewiring and observing and feeling safe and being assured and being advised and laughing together at the craziness of it all. 5 rungs. Every time. Thank you.

You’re welcome. Really. You are welcome. Check that idea out.



Ladders incoming!

It’s so beautiful out here by the river. Tell me… How and why did I grow up thinking that ladders were fripperies??

In a world that idolises money, how could it possibly be exposed that the truest ladders to happiness require absolutely no money at all?!

Consider this carefully for it is the most important lesson you will learn all day. The phrase ‘the best things in life are free’ is not a saccharine reminder for tough times of financial drought.

It means this:

If you have to pay for something, with money, or loss of positive energy, or dignity…. It is a snake. Not necessarily a python or rattle snake. Maybe a harmless adder. But it is leaving you with a deficit. Guard against too much deficit: a credit crunch it makes. Again, this is physics, not ethics.

Your job is to keep your energy in balance and rising. That is all you are all asked to do.

To keep the energy rising you are all going to have to look to the things which cost you nothing and make you feel better:

  • Nature
  • Love
  • Friendship
  • Creation
  • Breath
  • Joy
  • Prayer
  • Spirit
  • Body

Pour Light into the darkness. Darkness cannot be overcome by yet more darkness. In other words, you can’t buy your way out of the ego vortex. It just won’t work.

Understand this: if you are getting out your wallet, you are not getting a ladder. You may be getting other perfectly useful things. Like washing powder. But LADDERS CAN NOT BE BOUGHT. They are simply not for sale. They are everywhere and they refuse to be bought or sold.

In this brand new world, only one thing is ‘bankable’: the state of vibrational alignment with Source. In other words, peacefulness. Your thoughts, deeds, salary…none of that is bankable anymore. Store up the conscious experience of vibrational alignment through those (unbuyable) moments of peace/aha/wonder and then unleash that stored energy in your world, and you will finally achieve momentum. And your Tesla Smile.

Right. Ladders. Rung up, baby. Rung up. (Not wrung out…)

I just watched TWO kingfishers fly along the river. Two. I haven’t seen even one in about ten years.

Sweetie, the kingsfishers hadn’t gone away. You had.

I was on snake vigilante duty in the big bad city….

🙂 Wait til you start finding kingfishers in the city. Finally, your belief in ‘big, bad’ may last begin to crack…

Please, God… store up peace. Like Gandhi – had to sit v quietly for a long in order to gather something, in order to be able to overcome the British Empire. What was it he gathered?

Peace. The only antidote to violence.

Light. The only antidote to darkness.

Big violence requires big peace. Hence the time spent sitting in advance of the advance.

Remember: In themselves, false ladders are no big deal! Biscuits, drugs, tv, high heels… You name it. They are not the tyrants you think they are. They are simply negative energy. And the laws of physics say that a strong negative force must be countered by a stronger postive force. So by all means engage with false ladders as long as:

  • You recognise them as snakes in disguise.
  • You are prepared to invest an equal and stronger amount of attention (and potentially time) in balancing those false ladders with true ladders.
  • It’s just physics.
  • You need to have an accumulative bank balance in the positive (even by 1p) for the spiral to keep ascending upwards.
  • Descending spiral feels like hell.
  • Monitoring the net balance of your energy state is the main task, knowing that positive energy required to counter an overdraft can neither be bought nor taken out on yet more credit. It must be generated at Source.
  • Therefore, habits and practices of good energy generation create a pot from which you can draw when/if needed. (Generally, the larger the reservoir of good energy, the weaker the impulse to nosedive into false ladders.)

So you go into a supermarket. To the universe, the food on display is neutral. Just a display of the various wonders of creation. But to you, each food has energetic meaning: it’ll bring you up in frequency, or down. And it’s the accumulative balance you want to comprehend. If you want a chocolate twist pastry, have it, relish it, love it! The emotional joy is good energy! And be prepared to counter the physiological dip with something which will genuinely raise your body’s frequency – a walkor mat-work. And enjoy that too! Just make conscious choices at all times, keeping an eye out for the true ladder in each moment, looking toward the Net Vibrational Result. We don’t want you selecting so-called frequency raisers glumly, and then falling off the wagon and diving down far harder. It’s about consciousness and balance, with gradual net gain of the good stuff. The real good stuff: good energy.

Those ‘habits and practices of good energy generation’ you mentioned, for creating a reservoir which can be drawn from when needed. I can think of two people especially who developed a practice of practice – Eliza and Sophie (Boreham). They are both two of the genuinely happiest and freest people I know. Some guidance on practice please….

Here are the starter guidelines on habits and practices of good energy generation:

  • It needn’t cost a thing (though paid for tuition/training is perfectly acceptable – just know that it is the practice not the class which is making the difference.)
  • It always feels like effort at first, possibly every time for a long time, until the ego stops waging a war of resistance. Habit is the best antidote to ego. (It’s also ego’s best weapon against you, so chose your habits wisely and consciously.)
  • It changes your energy state for the better, so mark energy state at the beginning and at the end of practice, to anchor this knowing in your conscious mind. (Your ego will always tell you, ‘Don’t bother with practice. It won’t help. And anyway you’re too tired to be putting in more practice.
  • Regularity of practice makes for fast breakthrough. Again, overcoming the ego’s desperate concern that you should establish rhythms that of which it isn’t overlord, takes light, bright, cheerful determination and grit. Pick a time, commit to it, and watch the melodramatics of the ego with a wry smile and plenty of distance.
  • Practice is never in aid of losing weight, attaining enlightenment, destressing or any other future ‘desired’ outcome. Practice is simply about pitching up to generate good energy, time and time again.
  • The war is with the ego, not the practice. The practice is your friend, though your ego will tell you that the practice is a bad idea, a waste of time, a vanity, a folly, a frippery – and that there are too many urgent demands on your time to be faffing around with this nonsense….
  • There are no urgent demands on your time. None whatsoever. Time is a weapon of ego. Master your illusions about time; master your ego.
  • The best practice involves the discipline of the bodymind, because that is where your energy-draining ego likes to hang out. You’ll track your ego down in the bodymind every time.
  • Practice is an act of defiance, of rebellion against the charming, affable, alluring dark Inner Rebel which would sabotage you to within an inch of your life and beyond.
  • Be defiant, especially when the odds seem stacked against you.
  • The odds are never stacked against you. The whole of Creation is willing you upwards and onwards, and offering you every assistance you need to ascend. All you need do is ask.
  • Ask.

What practices do you recommend?

  • Yoga
  • Qigong
  • Walking
  • Meditating
  • Painting
  • Writing
  • Being with joyous friends
  • Observing beauty
  • Being a friend
  • Helping others

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Disciplining the BodyMind

You asked how you may help.

Yesterday, you helped to balance the Earth from within your own microcosmic cosmos. You calmed and centred your bodymind, by gardening and working with the soil. You became grounded by touching and tilling and treading and observing and setting your creative intent upon the beautiful Earth. You tended the temple of your home and land.

Today, you may help to balance the Earth by attending the permission granted you now to tend the temple of your soul’s home and land, by way of the discipline of your bodymind. We are looking here at how ready the body is to obey and submit to your higher self. Is it on its toes, ready to step forward in service, or ready to do 50 jumping jacks, or ready to awaken at 4 in the morning to take dictation, or ready to withhold itself from food and drink for the benefit of spiritual focus, or ready to stand on one leg for an hour if that should be the Will of the Divine? In other words, is it ready to conform to the will of God without a whimper of doubt, defiance, quibbling, questioning, complaint or resistance?

The submitted body is the only useful body.

The ego is the channel of resistance, inertia, restlessness and apathy. It will urge you to eat, drink and be merry in order to distract you from the body’s real purpose which is to be an earthing rod for Spirit.

So we will work with you today and every day to help you gain emotional, mental and spiritual mastery over your bodymind.

Be of good cheer. The training brings the fruits of heaven.

I sometimes see my higher and lower self for the mismatched couple they are. Like two happy lovers who married on a whim on week 2 of their relationship only to find they shared no values, dreams, preferences or habits at all. For a while one would dominate and the other submit, then it would flip, back and forth, but largely, LS was the dominant partner in a very codependent relationship.

HS: Wants to go to events to connect with other hearts.

LS: Is wary of doing too much and getting exhausted.

HS: Thinks and exists in energy states, ever seeking to spiral upwards energetically from whatever starting state the moment brings.

LS: Thinks and exists in stories, ever getting paralysed by narratives which provoke emotions, bodily reaction and energetic draining.

HS: Seeks to deliver, complete, move on to the next experience.

LS: Is a perfectionist who can’t finish anything for fear of it letting her down.

HS: Is curious and open about other people. People give her energy.

LS: Suffers from jealousy, insularity and doubt. People take her energy.

HS: Embraces freedom from negativity

LS: Embraces negativity as a way of dealing with ‘real life’ head on.


HS: submitted politely and compassionately  to LS

LS: justified her ongoing behaviour through narrative, medical reasoning and grief-showcasing – and kept on slowing everyone down.

Like conjoined twins, these deeply incompatible beings cannot divorce. They must share a body forever. They are however permitted to question the MO through reason and experience.

The HS can assert herself now, as the LS is pushing the collective towards extinction.

The LS simply needs to learn to trust the HS. She needn’t change or find a new methodology. She is simply invited to pay attention to her partner and try trusting her to take the lead in setting the agenda, pace and mood of the day. She is invited to watch the results with an open, un-judging mind. She can even give this new experience a narrative if she can bring herself to tell a story with a happy beginning, middle and end, with noble even ‘mythical’ characters, with archetypal protagonists who overcome challenges by invoking miracles.

If the LS is prepared to see the context of the story as the backdrop for a tale about transformation, magic and might, she is welcome to play commentator. Whatever makes her happy. Yes, happy. That’s the ultimate concession she has to be able to make.